So many women experience the heartbreak of miscarriage, and yet so few of us actually talk about it. If you have been there, we want you to know you are not alone.
by Devan McGuinness-Snider
Motherhood was supposed to come easy to me. It was my plan to be a mother since I was 5 years old and had it published in my yearbook when i was in kindergarten. It was my dream.
Never did i think the path to motherhood would be the most painful, lonely journey i had ever been on. That i would have to fight, struggle to breathe, be picked up off the floor but come back from it all with 3 healthy and beautiful children.
I have had 10 miscarriages. In 6 years.
Honestly, it is still a bit of a blur to me. I never gave myself the permission or time to grieve. I was focused on having full term, healthy children and to figure out how to make that happen. I was on a mission. I pushed past the pain.
Avoided it. Ignored it.
It has been almost 2 years since my last loss. I am still daily dealing with the pain and loss and I have learned a lot through this journey. One of the biggest things I learned is miscarriage is not talked about a lot. It seems to be some sort of secret. Like some unspoken rule in society that miscarriage or baby loss are not to be talked about, pushed under the rug. I can understand because it is painful, but why does this grief have to be hidden?
It is real. It is painful.
Not talking about it and not having anyone to turn to made me feel quite isolated. Alone. I felt like I had to hide my grief because it didn’t seem acceptable to people. To be sad about someone ‘I’ve never met’. I was under the impression people expected me to ‘get over it’ quickly.
I couldn’t. I can’t.
It is getting better. Not every day or week is an emotional one. There are some times in the year that will always be painful for me and I take note of those dates and prepare myself for them. Due dates, delivery dates, test dates are always difficult for me. Sometimes there is no trigger or date that will bring up the grief, it just happens. I allow myself to feel it and give myself that time. I also have amazing support. My husband is right in this with me and held me and cried with me and gives me this time.
I am healing. On my own time.
If you have been through a miscarriage I am so sorry for your loss. Please take time to heal and grieve and be patient with yourself. There is no right amount of time and there is no wrong amount of time. Find someone you trust to talk to and ask for help if you need it.
Devan McGuinness-Snider is the author of the popular Accustomed Chaos blog, and mother to 3 children. She has been nominated in Family & Parenting, Health & Wellness and Food & Drink Categories for the 2010 Canadian Weblog Awards and is also a nominee for Best New Blog by the 2010 Canadian Blog Awards.
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Date: Oct 12
“Having had 1 ectopic, 1 miscarriage and suffered through the loss of twin boys born at 22 weeks, I relate very well to the author of Angel Babies Surviving Miscarriage. I appreciate her willingness to come forward and share her story. In recent weeks, I have found myself wanting to talk about Jonah and Curtis more and more. I want people to know they were here, if only for a few hours, they were here with me and my family. I want my daughter to know that she has two brothers. But I also fear how others will react when I talk about them. Thanks sooooo much for including this blog :D”
Date: Oct 12
“Thanks for your article, it’s comforting to hear the thoughts of other Angel Mothers who are grieving the loss of a child. I lost a baby at 27 weeks earlier this year, and am now 15 weeks pregnant and hopeful this attempt will be successful. You don’t realize how common this type of loss is until you go through it. And you don’t realize how painful it is until you go through it yourself. But each day gets a little easier, thanks to family, friends and an amazing husband! Hang in there!”
Date: Oct 12
“Beautifully said! I also feel we are expected to “just get over it” like nothing happened, especially if its first trimester losses. I remember sitting in the hospital filling in a form: Number of pregnancies… Number of live births… and that’s when it hit me – my miscarriages counted as pregnancies! Oh my! The weight of that realization – it was permission to feel the loss. Finally!”
Date: Oct 13
“Thanks for Sharing! I find that if you have children then you’re supposed to forget about the Loss! I’ll never forget the Emergency room when she said “ you’ve had a full abortion”. All I could think was isn’t Abortion when you choose?? I would never have chosen this!”